Abused Women Can Succeed - How To Start Over And Be Successful

Abused women often think their lives are over and that they are trapped. Isolated, tending to children, and/or having a lack of job skills keep them from being able to make other choices.

Abuse is an old issue for most abused women. One woman told me that when she first met her husband he neglected to tell her he was married. Once she found out, she told him they couldn't live together. Within a year, he was divorced.

She said that in the beginning of their relationship, he was verbally and physically abusive. He was also a heavy drinker. She left a couple of times, only to go back because she said she couldn't support herself, felt she couldn't find anyone better, and, because it was what she was used to doing.

She finally moved out. She went to a therapist to cope with the separation from her husband and the sexual child abuse she experienced when she was 12. Then she met someone she calls Jay, at a local bar and restaurant. She thought he was her soul mate. Then she found out he was married. She couldn't handle the stress of repeating her pattern of selecting another married man and said she called up her ex. She knew this wasn't the right thing to do but she said she needed someone. She and her husband went to therapy together, but he started drinking and abusing her soon after she moved back in.

Now, she is back where she started. She's miserable and confused.

Almost always, an abused woman was abused in childhood. It is hard to understand how difficult it is to change those patterns.

Abused women are often unable to see the obvious red flags of danger in potential relationships. Lying, cheating, job problems, and drinking are signs that most people would run from. But, for them, the roar of fear is louder than any common sense, unfortunately. They are afraid to be alone.

If you are an abused woman, let’s take a look at the “payoff” for staying in a hopeless, abusive situation:

* You don’t have to grow.

As an abused woman, in your mind and everyone else’s, HE is the one causing all of your problems and unhappiness. It is like having a rampaging elephant in your house. You have to save yourself any way you can. There is no time for introspection, peace, or growth. You have been in the survivor mode for so long, if the elephant is removed, you are lost and confused.

* You don’t deserve much in life.

Living with abuse reaffirms one of your deep unconscious beliefs: you are not that worthy. Stuck with this belief, you don’t have the energy or insight for change.

* Remaining a victim.

If you stopped being a victim, you would have no one to blame for your loneliness and depression. Being alone with yourself and your feelings could be scary.

* Fear of success.

If you became a happy winner, everyone around you would have to change how they treat you and how they think of you. That shift in consciousness could be very unsettling for everyone.

Staying in this situation keeps you from being all you can be. People are more afraid of success than they are of failure. Getting everything you want in life leaves you with no more excuses.

If you understand that you do not really serve an abuser by being there; that you stunt their possible growth; and that this is not “love” but some kind of tentative comfort you have found in the intersecting battlefields of your lives, it will be easier to let go.

Here is a plan for the new you, just waiting to emerge victorious:

GET SUPPORT

You cannot get out of this war without some help. You cannot do this alone. You need support groups, a counselor, spiritual guidance, a job, and friends who do not indulge in destructive habits.

GET INTO YOUR CAREER

Women who are being abused can only get out if they have a way to take care of themselves. Your career can give you the finances, opportunities, and friends you need. Do you need a mentor, job counselor, courses, a degree, or a job change to get your career on track? I know people who have gone back to college in their 50s and 60s. And others just needed a new job.

HANDLE YOUR MONEY

Abused women often stay in bad relationships for economic reasons. Learn to manage on what you earn or take steps now to change your economic life. Whether you need to downsize, live on less, make more, get another job, save, or move…do it.

FIND AN INTEREST

This may sound trivial, but many people become electrified by finding their favorite thing to do. It could be ANYTHING…chess, swimming, drawing, sailing, dancing, skating…it doesn’t matter. This is how you feed yourself and also become more attractive.

EXERCISE

If you want to feel better and be more in control of your life, this is the perfect place to begin.

STAY HOPEFUL

Abused women often feel hopeless. However, do not ever think your life is set in concrete and you can’t move. Keep looking for the help that is out there for you.

Abuse may have kept you a prisoner, but you don't have to be one anymore.

Visit http://www.tonjaweimer.com Or http://www.singlesdatingtips.com for more tips, skills, and insight on dating, relationships, singles, and love. Subscribe to our Free Savvy Dating Newsletter from master single's coach, life coach, and syndicated columnist, Tonja Weimer. Copyright 2006, Tonja Weimer. (Please note source if reprinting this article.)

For more tips, skills, and insight on dating, relationships, singles, and love. Subscribe to our Free Savvy Dating Newsletter from master single's coach, life coach, and syndicated columnist, Tonja Weimer.