The Guys I Want Never Want Me

Being single and dating is not easy. Here is a note from someone who would like to meet a guy but is confused about how to go about it:

"I have dated sporadically for the past ten years, I have been divorced for fifteen, and I had been in a non-marriage marriage. Do I need to be concerned that I am not interested in going out and looking for someone to date?

I have tried the Internet, with no success. I don’t drink, smoke, or use drugs, which limits a lot of people. Is Mr. Right going to knock on my front door? It seems like such a hassle to try to meet people.

Relationships are work. I don’t need a man to make me OK. Why are the ones I am interested in never interested in me? "

You can't find the one you want because you send conflicting messages to others. That is why you get conflicting messages back. You say you don’t want or need a relationship in one breath, and say you do want it in another. Once you recognize you are doing this, you can choose to send clear messages. For instance:

Do you need to be concerned that you are not interested in going out and looking for someone to date?

You don’t need to be concerned if you don’t want to date. But if you have tried the Internet, it sounds like you would LIKE to date. It just sounds like you don’t know how.

Is Mr. Wonderful going to come knocking on your door?

I think you know the answer to that, which is, fortunately, “No.” Because if he did come knocking, that would mean you had no investment in picking and choosing him, and that wouldn’t work at all.

Did your education and training come knocking on your door? Of course not: you had to work for it.

The point is: you have to put some energy and thought and effort into anything worth having. Most of us think we should not have to do some work to find a relationship. I suppose we never let go of that Cinderella complex. But if you are over 25 or 30 and out of school, you are going to have to go out often, be friendly, and talk to people. And never forget building support systems. Networking is one of the most direct avenues to quickly find what you are looking for. It works in business and it works for romance. Bottom line: ask people to fix you up.

It is true that when you were very young it was easier because there were more people your age available. But that doesn’t mean that most of us knew what we were doing. So, though we had many opportunities, we often didn’t know how to use them well. Now that you are older and more discerning, it is the PERFECT time to meet someone.

Why are the ones you are interested in never interested in you?

Because the law of attraction always holds true in relationships, which is, you have to become the person you are looking for.

Buff up your strengths, your style, and your sense of self. If you don’t know how, get some help. Because you want to clear up those conflicting messages you are sending out to the world. You want to define what you want and go get it. Your whole life waits for you, as well as a wonderful guy.

For more tips, skills, and insight on dating, relationships, singles, and love. Subscribe to our Free Savvy Dating Newsletter from master single's coach, life coach, and syndicated columnist, Tonja Weimer.