How To Find A Boyfriend

Dear Tonja,

I am in my 20's and have never kissed a guy, had a boyfriend or a boy who is my friend. My birthday just came and I was so depressed. I thought to myself if someone said that I would be in my 20's with not one experience with a male (date, boyfriend, etc) I think I would not put my hopes so high.

Throughout the years I have had a first crush and guys throughout the years liking me, but I was never interested. The ones I was interested in never liked me, but the ones that were interested in me I wasn’t. Recently I had a male in one of my courses. After the course ended, I saw him on campus and he said hello. A couple of times I saw him again and he continued to say hello, but one day I passed by him thinking he would say hello, but he didn’t. When I saw him again he didn’t even acknowledge me. I have never seen him again.

I am a quiet, somewhat shy person and I think that’s why I have never had any guy experiences, but I have seen quiet people with boyfriends. Something is wrong with me, but I don’t know what it is. As I am getting older hope is disappearing and I am more wary and distant toward guys. I have come to the point where I don’t want to be involved with anyone ever and I am too old to start now. How do you not feel the need to date or be with a man? I want that feeling to go away permanently.

Quiet

Dear Quiet,

Thanks for your honest, heartfelt letter. Even though you don’t know how to meet a guy, that doesn’t mean you can’t learn. It is also possible to make your life so happy, you won’t be depressed about not having a partner if you don’t choose one. Right now, try to stop blaming yourself for not finding someone. You need time to become more conscious of what you are doing that keeps the guys away from you.

Here’s the problem: you are putting all the responsibility on the guy to find you. You don’t speak unless spoken to and don’t do anything to encourage conversation. Further, being “shy” is often misinterpreted as cold. Guys need to see a smiling friendly person willing to stop and talk. Here are the deeper issues of why you are not dating:

1. Unconscious Messages
If you are in your 20s, on a college campus, and you don’t have a date, guaranteed, you are unconsciously telegraphing to guys to not approach you. I know you don’t mean to do this, but your fear and self-doubt are sending guys away. Start keeping a journal. Write down the reasons you think men are not attracted to you. Look for the lies you believe in. They are holding you back. Example: “I am not pretty enough.” That is a lie. Go to the mall and look at the couples walking hand in hand. How many look like movies stars? Probably none. Expose the lie that you are not enough. You are everything you need.

2. Build a Box of Evidence
When you don’t believe in yourself, you need a box of evidence. You can refer to this collection whenever you get emotionally wobbly. Save notes, emails, cards, gift tags, letters, and newspaper clippings— anything that validates your worth. Visit it often. You need to be reminded.

3. Being Friendly is Everything
This is the most important quality you need and it is completely under your control. Since you are shy, give yourself an assignment of reaching out to people. Here’s a plan:

Week One: Smile and say hello to a female stranger this week.
Week Two: Smile and say hello to one stranger a day.
Week Three: Go to a department store, find an older female looking at linens or purses or shoes—anything— and ask questions. Example: “What do you think of these shoes? Do you think they are pretty?” Do this exercise three times in a week.
Week Four: Smile and say hello to a different guy—everyday.
Week Five: Smile and say hello to at least three guys a day.
Week Six: Go to a gym, hardware store, or a computer store everyday and ask guys questions. Example: “Excuse me. Could you tell me about this flooring?”

In six weeks, your attitude about men should be different. Many of them are as shy as you are and are afraid of you too.

We live with the myth that love should “just happen” without any effort on our part. Meeting people, going on dates, and finding someone takes determination. After six weeks of showing up as a smiling friendly person, shift your focus from, “How can I live without wanting a guy?” to, “I have so many choices!” You have everything within your power to meet someone and that’s the new truth you want to embrace. You can do it!

Very best to you!

Tonja

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