How To Get Your Ex Back
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When Sam was separated and going through a divorce, he met a gorgeous woman he fell madly in love with. He was fifty-four and she was thirty-six. She loved him back but they had a lot of problems from the beginning of the relationship. After one year, she left him. He was so depressed he sought counseling, anti-depressant medications, and guidance from a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, nothing worked.
When Sam called me, he was as forlorn and hopeless as one could be and still be functioning. Everything he said was negative. I asked, “What do you want?” He answered, “All I want is her. I know I screwed up but I don’t know what I did.”
Sam committed many of the errors that other people do when they are just coming out of a long term marriage. He didn’t mean to. He was a good guy and he was doing the best that he could. But not knowing how to date, he did a lot of damage.
Here is what Sam did to drive his girlfriend away:
• Sam was needy.
Even though he was a great success in his work and was financially secure, Sam was NOT successful at dating. He never knew how to meet girls and choose who he wanted because he didn’t believe anyone he was attracted to would want him. He had a whining “poor me” attitude hidden by dry wit. Even though he looked like he had it together, he was riddled with doubt and hopelessness. On the inside he was suffering. He didn’t want to be alone. Sam was desperate and needy.
Sam needed an attitude adjustment. Being a successful financial banker in a large US city, he had a big salary and in spite of his self-doubt, a big ego. Even though he had no idea how to date or how to have a relationship that worked, it wasn’t easy to get him to shift his habits. His ego kept him attached to his behavior patterns that didn’t serve him. Sam needed something to look forward to. We did the following:
1. Looked for a hobby that would give him some new excitement in his life.
2. Found new reading materials that would inspire him, give him hope, and impact his thoughts.
3. Established new boundaries for old and new relationships, so he would not let people take advantage of his nice-guy personality.
Originally, when I talked about finding an activity that he loved to do, Sam said there was nothing that captured his attention for a hobby. He said he “had done everything.” I know he believed that but I also knew it wasn’t true. He had made up his mind there was nothing that would thrill him and he was stuck in the quick sand of his thoughts. We searched his memory bank and went back to when he was a young man in high school. He loved sculpting and he loved creating wrought-iron doors and fences. He had forgotten that those activities had made him happy. They fell by the wayside when he started college and business school. He enrolled in sculpting and decorative ironwork classes right away. Once he did, he couldn’t wait to come home from work everyday and get to the art studio. This gave noticeable energy to Sam’s life and personality. He couldn’t see himself, but Sam was starting to “sparkle.” He was no longer as needy for a girlfriend to supply enthusiasm.
• Finding new relationships
Sam needed an attitude adjustment about what he wanted in a relationship. His old view was that he wanted to find someone to make him happy. The problem was, he didn’t understand that happiness is an inside job. Further, you can’t look to ONE person to meet all your human contact needs. I suggested that he:
* Reconnect with old friends and family members he had not had time for in the past.
* Reach out to new people and meet new friends in the art classes and at work.
* Tell people that he wanted to date and ask them to fix him up. Also, try some Internet dating sites.
Sam not only started to have friends and new connections, he started to go out with women. He was thrilled and scared when he began to be sought after and pursued. Because of the dazzle he was giving off from being excited about his new hobbies and the energy he was getting from the people around him, Sam was becoming a hottie.
When Sam first started coaching, I told him that if he did the work we planned for him, within a year, he would have women lined up outside his door. He scoffed at me and said, “Oh sure! That’s if you believe in miracles and winning the lottery!”
The miracle of women lining up outside his door came true for Sam, but in the end, all he wanted— was his Ex-girlfriend back.
Next week: Part II of III: Sam’s Baggage and Boundaries.
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