Are You Being Bossed Around?

From Tonja Evetts Weimer
October 2, 2008

Hi Tonja,
Sorry to land this one on you but of course you’re the first person that sprang to mind when I was thinking on how to deal with my personal predicament.
I would really appreciate your advice but first I will try to summarize my current situation:
I got divorced 10 years ago (after 18 years of marriage and two daughters) due to ex wife’s affair with a waiter half her age. I got into a relationship almost immediately and got married 3 months later. I discovered that the woman I am currently married to is just like her mother – very controlling and bossy. I don’t like someone trying to boss me around (she says I’m stubborn for not listening to her advice which she gives freely to all and sundry whether solicited or otherwise.) She constantly criticizes me (just like her mother does with her father who incidentally is also fed up but puts up with it.)

Do you think I should find someone who is not bossy and indeed do you think it’s possible to have a marriage where neither person feels the need to be the boss but just seeks compromise and agreement – in other words and equal partnership or am I living in a cloud of cuckoo land for even thinking that way?

Thanks for your help,
Bossed Around

Dear Bossed,

Thanks for the honest letter. I am sorry to hear of your struggle. The first thing you want to do when it comes to being bossed is learn to become your own boss. There are several steps needed to do this and they can’t be any harder than what you are dealing with. No one should have to live with bossy people—or have a miserable life.

What brought you to this predicament? Just like many people who divorce, you met and married the first person you dated before you were fully recovered from your breakup. You had no time to discover: who you were, what you wanted in a new partner, and who your new wife really was. It is easy to meet someone, feel some level of chemistry, and think you are in love. Especially when you are needy. Lots of projection, denial, and illusions happen when you feel abandoned and betrayed. It’s a sad situation but it’s a common human error that happens over and over. Before you move on, looking for another relationship, take a look at:

1. Running Away
If you leave a relationship suddenly, without talking it through with your partner, you will be walking through your life incomplete. You will take all the unresolved issues the two of you had and carry them into your next relationship. Find a counselor and do the work now. Learn everything you can. Take a look at who you are attracted to, what your relationship patterns are, and what parts of your parent’s relationship you are recreating.

2. Boundaries
Do you understand boundaries and how to use them? If you are being bossed around, you may not grasp how you are allowing it. If your wife won’t go to counseling with you, go alone. This is how you save your next partnership before it begins.

3. Looking for Love
Almost everyone wants another mate before the ink is dry on the divorce decree. Men are especially vulnerable to falling into another woman’s arms. However, without down time and growth time, you will find you have fallen into the desperation trap. The point is this: your problems are not what SHE is doing to you. Your problems come from what YOU have done from your hasty decisions. Unfortunately, fear speaks louder than good sense. Fear of being alone can drive people to disastrous choices. But this time around, let experience be your teacher. Find the answers to what would make your life happy. Do this before you meet someone.

4. Defining Your Life
Take this time to get the bricks in place for a strong new foundation. You need to have a hold on the following: finances, career, health, friends, and a clear idea of your values. When these bricks are under you and you are excited about life, you will be able to choose someone who is right. Until then, you will be looking for someone to make you feel better.

As a single guy, when you meet a woman and have a rush of good feelings, you may think you have found the answers to your problems. However, that rush wears off if you haven’t handled the bricks listed above and if you don’t know who you’re marrying. Then, you think your unhappiness is her fault. It’s no one’s fault, but it is your responsibility to get your life in order. The path to your fulfillment is yours to travel.

Learn how to give yourself comfort, find friends to hang out with, and live your life in a way that makes you proud. Do the above—and no one can boss you around. This is my dream for you.

Blessings to you,

Tonja