Ten Things I Know About Relationships

Sometimes, I scan the matchmaking sites on the web to understand what my single clients are dealing with. People are often matched on somewhat superficial qualities. Sharing interests and backgrounds can be a connection, but that is not the real glue to a relationship. In fact, looking at the sites, I can’t help but wonder: how would I have met my husband?

Based on similar experiences, we would have been Match dot nothing.

His profile:
“Gentleman of British-Indian descent. Engineer, businessman, prefers jazz, sitar music, spicy vegetarian food and conversations about technology. Grew up in Bombay.”

Mine:
“Lady from cowboy American West. Columnist and Life Coach, prefers oldies and country music, steak and pinto beans, conversations about Quarter Horses. From Pumpkin Center, California.”

Similar interests are fun to share, but as a Life Coach, these are the ten things I know about relationships. Great couples have great:

1. Chemistry
Without the spark that keeps the fire burning, everything can get cold. Chemistry will vanish, however, if a couple doesn’t share important values. If your partner whines about everything you hold dear, the fire you felt will be extinguished faster than a puff of wind on a burning match.

2. Humor
Humor is a top priority for couples in love. The fastest way to a person’s heart is through the funny bone. Laugh together and your bones will never ache from loneliness.

3. Listening
I know elderly people who can’t hear anything. Their TV is blasting so loud it’s waking the neighbor’s kids. But they can hear each other, because…listening is caring. Relationships that last have two people who listen to and for each other.

4. Self-love
Have you ever heard, “You need to love yourself to love another.” Some people may understand that, but in a world full of flakes, if you say this, you may sound like one. Just call yourself a stand-up guy (or girl) who knows how to set boundaries so people can’t take advantage of you. And then, stand up for giving yourself what you need.

5. Purpose
Happy couples have a purpose to their life, which gives them energy, which they give to each other. Neither one of them is a drainer. They both know it’s a BYOB world (BRING YOUR OWN BATTERIES.)

6. Support
Great couples say ten times more positive than negative things about each other.My neighbor mentioned, “My wife is growing a beautiful garden this year!” I drove by their house. I think I saw her garden. It’s just that the weeds were higher than her plants. But HE loves her work. That’s support.

7. Respect
When couples have mutual respect, there’s not much irritation or anger. When you don’t have respect, everything the other person does feels like fingernails on a blackboard.

8. Commitment
Couples that last put each other first. They retrain themselves to leave their former nest and do what is necessary to strengthen their bond.

9. Emotional safety
Everyone needs a place where they don’t have to put out the red cones of caution. Two people who trust telling their secrets to each other feel safe. Safety is everything.

10. Willing
Two people who are willing—willing to talk, or go to counseling, or listen to one another—are going to work out any rough patches in the way of intimacy.

If sharing the same background and interests mattered, would I have responded to this?

“Gentleman travels foreign countries, sleeps soundly anywhere, can eat anything. Casual wear is chappals (sandals) and Kurta Pajamas. Never had an indoor pet.”

Would he have responded to mine?

“Lady travels rodeo circuit, can’t eat anything normal OR strange, can be awakened by birds chirping five miles away. Always wears boots and jeans. Has two dogs sleeping on the bed.”

We must have had some of the ten things listed above. Or, maybe, as they say in Hollywood, “we knew each other in another life.” Maybe he was a cowboy…and I was an Indian.

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