Finding The Right Guy: Do You Think It Takes Too Much Work?

Do you feel like it takes too much work to meet the right guy for you? Would you like to meet a great guy but you want him to find you? Do you believe, in the core of your heart, that men should be the pursuers?

As a coach I get lots of questions about why a woman has to do so much work to meet someone.

One of my friends has a five-year-old daughter who started kindergarten in the fall. After her first day of school, her mother picked her up and asked, “So—how was it? Do you like school?”

The child replied, “Well…it was OK. But my teacher kept going over to her computer all the time.” Her mother said, “Oh? Why do you think she did that?” The little girl said, “I don’t know. I think maybe she was checking her fee-male.”

I check my email often myself, and find some interesting questions from readers.

Dear Tonja,

I am 43, never married, and would like to meet someone. However, I don’t think I should have to work at finding him. I believe if he is out there, he will find me. It seems unbecoming and aggressive to go looking for guys. Can’t you introduce me to someone?

Sincerely,

Looking but not looking

Dear Looking,

You are right...finding the right guy does take a lot of work. I think you are looking without trying to look like you are looking—and that is understandable. None of us likes to feel undignified. Perhaps you could develop a new perspective about looking, and move into enjoying it, rather than seeing it as something that is beneath you.

Looking could mean that you are ready to take responsibility for your own happiness, whom you meet, whom you choose to go out with, and the quality of relationship you want. The best approach of all is to consider the process of looking for someone as your great adventure.

Your question about being introduced to someone makes a lot of sense. Networking and asking friends and relatives to scout for you is one of the most effective ways of meeting others. I am not a dating service, but I can make some suggestions that can further your search. If you are out of high school or college, you are going to have to take the initiative if you want to date.

I can’t think of anything worth having that doesn’t take some planning, focus, and skills. Invariably, working for what you want also involves ups and downs. Did you sail through school with no struggles? Not too many people did—and that’s my point. You worked for it, and made your way through the challenges with as much grace as possible.

Reach out to people to make some new friends. By building a stronger social network, and developing a good attitude, you will increase the likelihood of meeting someone. Further, design a dating plan that includes going places, scouting, sorting, and screening potential dates. A different attitude leads to different behavior which creates new and different results. Remember...you deserve wonderful results.

Tonja

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